NarCotiC DepRessiOn !!

well, this post is how narcotics fuel depression.

The thoughts while smoking a cigarette which i think will be my last . this is what i have been thinking of all the cigarettes i smoked this week. the feeling of depression arrives due to being lonely or being jobless. 2 minutes of free time u get makes u smoke a cigarette . These narcotics give you a false sense of security shielding you against those anxiety attacks , mood swings.

I have lost all energy. I am at the bottom of the trough in my mood waves. And I never know when I'll hit the crest again. It could be tonight, it could be tomorrow, it could be next week. Although I really have noticed an improvement in myself in comparison with the me even just a year ago.

Wouldn't it be easier, I think, just to completely numb yourself? To feel nothing, to have something so strong that completely knocks me off my feet. (Weed helps , but i have made a promise not to smoke up again .) Able to function, but with none of the anxiety or fear or mood and attitude swings. It would be easier, far easier. And sometimes I am tempted. I have been tempted by many many things. I have done many many things. But I still can't make myself do this, to numb myself completely.

I still want to feel. For what is life without a little pain? Are not the good times more sweet because we know the ache of disappointment and hurt? Are not the times when I am finally stable and not manic or depressive better and more precious because I see the extremes?

I get so pensive. Things that haunt me, things I wonder about, things that I think are yet to come. I try talking about these thoughts to other people, but the words don't come to make sentences others would understand. In my head, I can mull these things. I am having trouble even wording in this post how and what I think.

I couldn't complete these post as these thoughts are so incoherent and i have been thinking in circles for a long time .Perhaps my mind needs to rest . And maybe also because the last cigarette i have is over .

This post isn't meant for anyone . It is a composition of my thoughts these past weeks. The pain i have felt and the losses i have incurred may not be understood by people.


Hope you hated this post .

Problematic L0VE~~

Excerpts from my life :


- The Girl you love doesn't love you back , instead says that she treats you like a friend.
- Your friends make fun of you , being such a dickhead .
- You degrade yourself in front of your friends.
- The sky high reputation of yours come crashing down .
- The words Shit , fuck-up , bitch become a part of your regular vocabulary.
- Life becomes a Lotta complicated , every decision you take back fires in some or the other way.
- The girl doesn't respect your simple wishes .
- You forget that there is a thing called 'EGO'.
- You write songs that contain your feelings , your love , your plight.
- You start blogging , even blog about your love .
- booze , grass becomes your daily appetite.
- Thinking in circles becomes a common habit .
- Watching love stories on any screen is an horrific experience after the break up.
- You are glued to your phone , waiting for a call or a message .
- You enjoy every moment with her .
- You don't have time for yourself , to introspect about your life .
- And when you do , you see a big void .
- You sacrifice everything for the girl , you care more about her than yourself only to understand in the end that everything was in vain.
- Tripping on you becomes a favourite past time for your friends.
- Your best friend also falls for your girl , in an intoxicated state says I'm the only obstacle for his love.
-  You become an insomniac .
- You think so much about her even though she says she doubts whether you are really in love.
- You will start hating yourself for being so irresponsible and careless in your life.Coz no girl would want such a guy.
- Circumstances force you to change many things about you and also wish she was a little different .
- Introspecting yourself , you feel enough damage has been done . nobody needs to change , me never . Life is all about being yourself .
- You start thinking that life should be lived your way .
- You now understand the quote " LOVE IS SLOW POISON " .
- Finally You realize that 'You Are Alone '.
- And also that the time when you were single was the best part in your life .

Thank you guys for reading my rantings about my pathetic life . Guys like me are not suited to either LOVE or Relationships . We should remain single . Comments are welcome. 

heAdbaNger fOr lYf \m/...

I nvr thought music could become such an integral part of my life.I Dont remember how i got introduced to rock music , but my first love was Linkin Park ( as it is with all beginners ) . Then it was Backstreet boys with their slow nd rhythmic music . that was the time when i used to listen to every arbit english song played on T.V . I realised then that rock music is the baap of all music until i became a complete metal freak.
my Headbanging journey is as follows :

Red Hot Chilli Peppers : Californication still touches me somewhere with its music . anthony nd flea \m/. best song : Californication

Guns 'N' Roses : Slash...one guy who carried the band...Axl rose , the motherfking bastard. hope slash still creates his magic with Velvet Revolver.Best song : November rain

Pink Floyd : The masters. The pioneers . My all-time favourite band to listen when you are on a trip.Best song : Another brick in the wall

Rammstein : WTF?! was my first reaction . they rape the shit outta u with their music. vocals r the highlight. MOFUs man!! U nvr for a moment think that they sing in german. best song : Engel or Du Hast.

Dream Theater : truly technical , nd lotta variety . portnoy is the best drummer ,in my view . Best song : Change of seasons.

Judas 'Fking' Priest : The name says it all . fking good music nd their live shows kick sum heavy ass during those dayz . Best song : Breaking the law.

Iron Maiden : The Baap of Metal music , though sum may argue in the favour of black sabbath . but fk u all , Iron Maiden is THE BAAP. Best song : Fear of the Dark.

Black Sabbath : The first song i heard of them was Iron Man . temme one mortal's name who wudnt get hooked to sabbath after tht song. The greatest metal song ever . Best song : shud i mention .

Metallica : The Best band ever to hve graced the scene . I bow to Thy Masters. Best song : Master of Puppets.

Megadeth : Dave Dave Dave !! Dave Mustaine is god.One of the Original Thrash metal bands and a very influential group. Thnx for gracing Bangalore with ur presence .Best Song : Peace sells ... but who's buying it?

Opeth : It was my first rock concert nd i was lost in the web of their music. My first of everything that day . OPETH \m/ . Mikael is best fking vocalist according to me . the autographs , the pics , the conversations ..will be there with me for the rest of my life . ardently waiting for your next album . Fk NOKIA and Live a SAARANG!! Best song : Black Rose Immortal.


System of a Down : The vocals are inspiring and in your ace thanks to serj Tankian. everything about the band is different from other bands. are on a indefinite hiatus.:( best song: Toxicity.

Marilyn Manson : wat a fucked up artist , but a great one. His musical influence is too good.his videos are a treat to watch. Best song : Beautiful people.

Slayer : One of the "BIG FOUR" of Thrash metal music . Crazy riffs , fast tremolo pickings are their trademark . Satanistic Lyrical bastards. Best song : Raining blood .

KORN : I'm a dedicated fan of this heavy metal band with grunge like music . the music is far different and the vocals are also good . Best song : Freak on a leash .

Rage Against The Machine : One of the most popular and influential POLITICAL band. their live shows are kick ass . the vocals are like Rap coz de la rocha was a rapper before this band . Best song : Bulls on Parade .

Bullet For My Valentine : The riffs , the vocals , the musical style all make BFMV a great band . their music is meant for the generation X . Best song : Tears Dont Fall .

Porcupine Tree : The band which comprises of Steven is ought to be great . the man who introduced Opeth . PT's music inspires me a lot . even attended their Live concert at Moodi , IIT bombay . The show was Awesome nd trains was part of their encore . Shtud performance . Best song : Trains/ Even less .

Hammerfall : I started listening to this band just before they got confirmed for a live concert in my college . I am really thankful for being here in IITM coz it was the place for two fking live concerts of OPETH nd HAMMERFALL . the band is really great nd oscar has the best guitar i hve seen ,which has an LCD display quoting " no job is better than blow job " \m/ . Best song : Templars of Steel.

Radiohead : The band one shud listen while on a trip . the best music to be heard wen u r high . The vocals by thom burke are a highlight . Best song : Paranoid Android .

Riverside : The band I'm currently listening to . it has the same sound as PT nd TOOL . progressive metal is too good . Best song : Egoist Hedonist .


These are the bands worth mentioning in my journey nd their influence was great in my life . I couldn't mention some other bands because they were not so part of me. I'll keep updating it .
cya rock folks . \m/.