well, this post is how narcotics fuel depression.
The thoughts while smoking a cigarette which i think will be my last . this is what i have been thinking of all the cigarettes i smoked this week. the feeling of depression arrives due to being lonely or being jobless. 2 minutes of free time u get makes u smoke a cigarette . These narcotics give you a false sense of security shielding you against those anxiety attacks , mood swings.
I have lost all energy. I am at the bottom of the trough in my mood waves. And I never know when I'll hit the crest again. It could be tonight, it could be tomorrow, it could be next week. Although I really have noticed an improvement in myself in comparison with the me even just a year ago.
Wouldn't it be easier, I think, just to completely numb yourself? To feel nothing, to have something so strong that completely knocks me off my feet. (Weed helps , but i have made a promise not to smoke up again .) Able to function, but with none of the anxiety or fear or mood and attitude swings. It would be easier, far easier. And sometimes I am tempted. I have been tempted by many many things. I have done many many things. But I still can't make myself do this, to numb myself completely.
I still want to feel. For what is life without a little pain? Are not the good times more sweet because we know the ache of disappointment and hurt? Are not the times when I am finally stable and not manic or depressive better and more precious because I see the extremes?
I get so pensive. Things that haunt me, things I wonder about, things that I think are yet to come. I try talking about these thoughts to other people, but the words don't come to make sentences others would understand. In my head, I can mull these things. I am having trouble even wording in this post how and what I think.
I couldn't complete these post as these thoughts are so incoherent and i have been thinking in circles for a long time .Perhaps my mind needs to rest . And maybe also because the last cigarette i have is over .
This post isn't meant for anyone . It is a composition of my thoughts these past weeks. The pain i have felt and the losses i have incurred may not be understood by people.
Hope you hated this post .
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ReplyDeleteHey Achuth,i am feeling the same way right now!(my thoughts exactly in words,sans the smoking!:))Thanks for posting comments on my blog!!tc!
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